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Tuesday, April 11, 2006
hey.
cfc. worship was just horrible for me, worse than the previous times. i was completely detached from it and my attempts to connect just failed totally. i can only hope some people were really able to worship God and stuff. i think i should not lead worship when im feeling detached. because i dont want to kill others too. felt pretty upset after that so i sat at the back. but my redeemer lives made me a little happier. (:
having sherlyn sitting in the group in front is fun. passing notes and postcards! i tell you im using all my postcards on her. haiyoh. but it's pretty helpful i guess. especially today when i just ranted on and on and on. postcards should be a4 size. but then it wont be called postcards. oh well.
aunty lillian dropped me off at simei mrt after school. and sherlyn was going on and on about how cute cats were and how she was going to take photos of 10 cats and freak me out one day by showing me. -shudders. i WILL freak and run away. and she says she especially likes black cats with green eyes. shocked look. i think those are the scariest please. and i prefer fat white cats [though i still think cats are ugly] because they are more cuddly and they dont look like they're going to pounce on you anytime [mainly because they're too fat and therefore they cannot move]. but i still maintain that dogs are so much better than cats. cannot stand cats!
kor gelled my hair again when i reached home. he has an obsession with my hair. i feel like cutting it short and layering it because my hair is getting thicker but my hair will definitely die if i cut it short because gel is bad! and kor will put tons and tons of gel. eek. but it was pretty funny. i shall introduce you to a new fight: gelfight! here is the story of how it came about...
kor: stop moving la. how do i style it nicely if you keep moving.
me: ehh dont want! shoo go do your work. dont want! [starts squirming around]
kor: HOI i ask you stop moving you stop moving okay. be honoured that im actually gelling your hair.
me: oh yes i feel so honoured i shall rush out to the streets and scream. [a brilliant idea strikes me. i put gel on my hand] eh kor. let me do your hair too. stop a while im going to turn around.
[he stops. i turn away and smack! i smear gel on his neck.]
kor: OI! WHY YOU DO THAT FOR!
and that marks the beginning of a GELFIGHT!
so fun. dont know how much gel we wasted. but it's not mine anyway. sticks tongue out. and some of it went on the floor and we forgot to clean up and my mum came home and went "WHY IS THE FLOOR OILY?" oops. gelfights are fun. we should have them one day. hmmm.
going to support om on saturday. all the best to everyone who is involved! miao siying ruoting jo claudia jocelyn and whoever. jiayou. (: sherlyn and i have decided to join the nature feature competition. she says maybe we can go to the beach after supporting om on saturday. hoho. then i'll be going to the beach for 2 days in a row! friday and saturday.
i hope going to the beach helps. because as of yet 1) it has never failed to calm me down. 2) it's where i am best able to speak to God when i feel distant. i hope it wont fail this time round. because i really need it.
im desperate for you.
im lost without you.
ive made quite a few promises. promised some people that i will try to be happy and therefore i will make an attempt yes. but see for me to be happy, i must settle things first and i must have internal joy. promised brandon and jon and co. that i will take it up and do my best since it's my only hope to get to the level i want to be at. and i think that that is God's will. i hope im not wrong. if i fail, i dont know what im going to do. im just going to fall straight down.
ive come to a realisation. ive past my breaking point. past the stage of tearing. i zoomed past the stage of crying. and so now i adopt an "i cant be bothered" attitude and an "im going to numb myself" thing. and therefore i believe my breaking point has been raised. and i actually think that's a good thing. because that means, it'll take more to break me. ha.
easier to run- linkin park.
it's easier to run
replacing this pain with something numb
it's so much easier to go
than face all this pain here all alone
something has been taken from deep inside of me
the secret ive kept locked away no one can ever see
wounds so deep they never show they never go away
like moving pictures in my head for years and years theyve played
if i could change i would take back the pain i would
retrace every wrong move that i made i would
if i could stand up and take the blame i would
if i could take all the shame to the grave i would
if i could change i would take back the pain i would
retrace every wrong move that i made i would
if i could stand up and take the blame i would
if i could take all the shame to the grave i would
it's easier to run
replacing this pain with something numb
it's so much easier to go
than face all this pain here all alone
sometimes i remember the darkness of my past
bringing back these memories i wish i didnt have
sometimes i think of letting go and never looking back
and never moving forward so there'd never be a past
just washing it aside
all of the helplessness inside
pretending i dont feel misplaced
it's so much simpler than change
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
